Tag Archives: parenting

Madly Menopausal Mum

Fuck you Menopause. Two years of being an arsehole to my family and friends and  I can finally give you the finger. All of those sleepless nights and hot flushes have finally come to an end. No, I haven’t finished, but I have that shit under control.

Thanks to the wonders of ancient medicine.  Two rounds of acupuncture and some Chinese herbal capsules and I am sleeping.

Sleeping = not such a bitch. My kids no longer see me as this all the time.mean-face


Worst thing is as an older mum, like lots of parents these days, I have little people at home who stress the crap out of me on a good day, without throwing in some hormone imbalance and general nastiness. They have copped the worst of me, let the times change for their sake. If it was the old days, I would be entertaining my grandchildren and not permanently caring for two primary schoolers who should have a young, cool, hot mum.

To any other women out there who are wondering why they have become short fused, prickly,  sweaty bitches. Get your hormones checked and when you’re told there’s not much you can do about it, get yourself some alternative therapy. One concern was me getting pregnant which would involve sex. I have been such a cow my husband wont even look at me, let alone throw me over and give me one.

My newfound niceness means I might spend some quality time with our children and perhaps fit a few minutes of parent sex in now and then.


An Outfit for Every Occassion

Fun in the SunI laughed my arse off when Miss 8 asked her father for a wrestle in the backyard. Not because she asked, nope, this is a very regular occurrence at our place. I laughed because he told her to go and put her wrestling gear on.

“What wrestling gear?” I asked, “is it because she has a skirt on?” At this point I am thinking shit like how weird, what a prude not to let her wrestle in a skirt or in her undies if that takes her fancy, you prick for contributing to the washing pile without contributing to the actual act of doing the washing. It’s too fucking hot for clothes…

His reply “No, nothing to do with a skirt, just delays it for another 5 minutes”.

Most probably had to make sure his allies were all in the right place before he could leave his Game of War for the 15 minutes that he will hold their attention. Gotta get the work/life/app balance right after all.

That Perfect Moment

2014-05-07 12.51.48My son just called out to me, right in the middle of Offspring. My immediate reaction was, “Not Now!!” But he is my little man and off to console him I went.

I was sitting beside him, rubbing his back, thinking about how much I love and adore him and what a beautiful picture that would take if I went and grabbed a camera.

As I was thinking this he became distressed, needing to go to the toilet. I quickly grabbed him and rushed him in. I am sure he never quite woke in this time, just doing what boys have to do, and hopping back into his bed, all snuggled up.

There are times when I would have rushed him, thinking this is my time, please don’t take it away from me, but just for tonight, I sat and marvelled at this gorgeous little boy.

A boy who only asks for the little things like, can you please make me some new play dough? Can we make scones? Can we go to the park? A boy whom, if I let him stay up late, asks if I can put him to bed because he is ready and tired (usually within an hour of bedtime). Who is happy with one book, and then happily rolls over and goes straight to sleep.

A little 3 year old who continuously surprises me with his wit and charm. A person developing his personality, who looks to me for guidance.

I look within myself. Am I really qualified to be this person? I am far from perfect, like most people.

me and my kidsI drink too many wines and enjoy a ciggie when I am partaking. I scream at my children at times, but at the end of the day, if you ask who their favourite person in the world is the answer is ‘my Mum’.

Just for tonight. We had a perfect moment. A moment that only a mother knows. That moment when I realise the reasons I chose the crossroads in my life in order to achieve where we I am right now.

In this moment I understand a little bit more about me. A moment when I know exactly who I am. That moment when I understand who I will always be. I will always be Mum.

3y/o versus Intoxicated behaviour?

Recently I had the pleasure of facilitating a Responsible Service of Alcohol course to some very experienced hospitality workers. It was an enjoyable day and the knowledge of the participants, and the fact I had worked with each and every one of them, made for a relaxed and friendly atmosphere.

We made our way through the content, discussing the key agencies, the impact of alcohol consumption on our community, harm minimisation, signage, the effects of alcohol and strategies to prevent underage drinking and intoxication.

For those who are not aware, the definition of intoxication for the purpose of the liquor laws is- a person is considered to be intoxicated if

  • the person’s speech, balance, coordination or behaviour is noticeably affected, and
  • it is reasonable, under the circumstances to believe that the affected speech, balance, coordination or behaviour is the result of the consumption of liquor

As I was reading through the list of examples of behaviour I couldn’t help but begin to smile. Belligerent, argumentative, bad tempered, loud/boisterous, exuberance, annoying/pestering others, overly friendly, all appeared to my warped sense of humour. I couldn’t help thinking that my 3 year old had displayed all of these traits in the past 24 hours. She had also displayed one of the examples of speech, not understanding normal conversation (what part of NO do you not understand? I remember saying perhaps a little on the loud side). She is also often off balance, bumping into or knocking over furniture and people. And as for coordination, I am often cleaning up after a spilt drink.

After grinning away stupidly to myself about the parallels I decided on a new mantra when deciding when to cut someone off from purchasing alcohol. “If you insist on behaving as a three year old, I insist you leave the premises”. Although this is not the statement I would make to a person I was refusing service to or evicting, it will make it a little more fun for me thinking of my personal mantra as I am doing so.