For many years I have let New Years Eve come and go without the resolutions. Why? Drunk people make stupid choices.
But as 2015 came around I decided that I should become a non smoker. It kind of worked. I am not perfect, and wont pretend I have not cheated. But it backfired on me and I gained a kilo a month shoving other things in my gob instead of the fags and before your dirty mind turns to the gutter, I would have been better off doing what you are thinking and my hubby would be super happy.
Now it is 2016, 8 days in. I have chosen to become even more healthy and shed those nasty kilos the hypnotist toldme I would not put on (liar, liar pants on fire).
I hear all the talk about fat shaming and embracing your body and I dig what you are all saying.
I don’t hate my body. I am a sexy hot lady. It would be awesome if the mirror and photos reflected this image.
There are 5 things I am struggling with.
1-My thighs rub together. Not the way that they did when I wore cords in the eighties, groovily swooshing out the sound of my footsteps. Those fuckers are so fat they stick together on a hot day and almost trip me over.
2-I struggle to wipe my own arse. Thank the heavens I do yoga so I can stretch and reach and get that job done.
3-My boobs are trying to escape from my shirts. I mean seriously. Getting the girls out is nothing new to me, but I used to have to undo the buttons for them, now they seem to have found a secret tunnel to freedom.
4-I cant see under my belly. My 7 year old daughter is now in charge of telling me when I have stray hair that needs to go.
5-They actually told me I am a bit fat!!! I have my kids very well trained. If I say something like “silly old mum” they instantly tell me “You’re not old Mum”. They used to follow it up with “You’re not fat”, but more recently I got a sheepish sideways head tilt, with “You’re a little bit fat”. Kids don’t worry about hurting feelings. What they say is true.
I am still deciding on the best plan of attack as to how I am going to get rid of the blubber. I have considered stapling my lips together, developing a drug addiction or returning to the hospitality industry (for those who don’t know, in hospitality exercise is constant and the sight of food becomes repulsive at times).
For now I think I will take the easy way out and try auto-suggestion. “I think I am fit and thinner, therefore I am”. When the kids go back to school I will get tougher on myself. I promise. Did you hear that me? Yeah right, what’s for lunch?